The Only Place

I wonder how long I can distract myself before I realize that my family of five consists of one husband and three dogs, no children. How far do I throw myself into either job that I'm not sure I enjoy? How crafty do I get?

No, I haven't brought up the conversation that devastated me again to C. We don't really function like that. I've just been walking around sort of like a zombie. I've got this ache where there is a hole in my heart. I've been a little extra sensitive, what with facing the reality that my future may not include our children. My body's inability to work correctly is disappointing, sure, but that adoption can't be a logical next choice is, well, devastating. I decided two things for sure somewhere in the midst of this journey: a) a family is not a family without C and I will not choose a family over the husband that I love, and b) my ultimate desire is to mother (parent) a child, not necessarily to become pregnant and bring forth a child. Those were easy to stand by when I thought we had options, but we were not on the same page, so those guiding decisions have become somewhat bitter.

During aforementioned conversation, I asked some terrible questions that I needed to hear the answer to. And through tears, I did get the answers the way I thought from him. At least I wasn't on the wrong page about everything.

The pregnancy announcements and baby showers have gotten more difficult again. At this point in the game, I'm so close to just throwing it all out there. Politely, but still - I am declining your baby shower invitation because I am coming to terms with my likely childless life, please look for your gift in the mail. Although, this is more for the distant acquaintance and not the closer friends (you should know who you are). I just don't have it in me right now to celebrate a cousin's accidental pregnancy in a unstable life. Oh wait, either of them.

The terrible conversation also involved C telling me that he hates having to "hide" when asked when we are planning to have children. I told him that he didn't, but I still make vague comments because people are NOSEY, PUSHY, RUDE, and often INSENSITIVE in their responses to me. I just chose to word my response so that I don't give them the opportunity to be rude - it seems like the polite thing to do. I think that the contents of my uterus, or lack thereof, and the dysfunction of my reproductive system are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I've actually responded every which way to this question and others like it. Bottom line: I think it is a rude question and any response of mine has the possibility of being equally rude. When the ball is back in your court, you will offer unsolicited advice or an empty platitude - neither helps me. So, shut up. I've told C he can say whatever he pleases, but the likelihood is that my responses will be getting increasingly uncouth. There is also the chance that I might ask you about your favorite sexual potion or latest bowel movement, okay?

I can pinpoint my emotion towards all of this right now: fear. I am so so scared for me. Not because I may not get this thing that I want so badly, but because I foresee a slight disintegration of self that I can't control or stop. I have this innate, evolutionary desire to mother - none of which I realized until C entered my life stage left. And I had this idea of what our life would look like. This idea of who I would be. I know nothing goes as planned, but often it is the basic biological operations that we take for granted, until. Until we are faced with the glimmer of all that is not as it should be. I'm scared. I'm scared this empty feeling will last forever. I'm scared that C really won't stick it out. I'm scared that all of this will drive me somewhere dark with lots of screaming and sadness. I'm scared that I can't transition and remain whole. I'm scared that in order to be childless that I will have to leave a part of me behind. I'm terrified.

And the best place for my fear is buried deep behind a content demeanor. I have so much to be grateful for and crying a river over things I can't change isn't going to help a thing. I know this. Besides, no one wants the friend they have to be so careful around. Happy, encouraging friends are way more acceptable.