The Strong Words

So my life as I'm living it at the moment doesn't completely revolve around procreation. The in between moments have been weird. I called the doctor and got the pills (a day late) and decided not to take them this month. I haven't filtered out why. I did check that it was okay with C and he said yes. We had our third wedding anniversary on Monday. Tomorrow, Friday, marks 11 months since I miscarried and we tried to begin rebuilding. Again, what do I do with this information?

I've shared bits and pieces of this story with some of my coworkers. Two of the boys, actually. One of them is in a similar position (trying, yielding not much) and the other asked. For the first time, I felt comfortable with what I told him, or anyone. I said that we'd been trying for a year and a half and had a devastating miscarriage at 11 weeks. I have hesitated in the past to use strong words to describe any of my experiences because I am very aware that someone has had worse experiences than any of mine and I guess I feel that they have more right to those strong words than I do. No, you see, that was devastating to us, to me. I don't think anyone who has read even a small portion of the posts on here would argue with my word choice. Further, I told him that the miscarriage was devastating, but the expression and exploration of grief on both C and my parts were especially difficult. We both looked for reasons and causes. C thought he'd found another reason one month ago. This year has given us the blessing and curse of time to go over every little thing that could have contributed to a miscarriage and now, infertility. I merely told this person that it is very hard on the relationship - what we've been through. And I'm proud of myself for saying just what I meant in this one situation.

I'm tired and the bed is calling to me. Another voice is hoping that I can be at peace with myself and where I am at this moment. I, too, wish that, but find peace and faith and hope, so very fleeting and unattainable.